Ever wanted a way to profess your unrequited crush? To acknowledge the girl that got stuck holding the door open for you and six other people in the Marketplace? Or, do you feel a pressing need to tell the entire school that you pooped in the Swan bathroom? Oxy Confessions is that place. It’s where you go to tag your friends in posts that are definitely not about them and also now, apparently, to read Oswald erotica. Topics range from the snoring habits of a Stewie first year’s roommate to heated debates about safety at ATO parties. Submit your confession anonymously into the void of a Google form.
It is impossible to understand this page without immense discomfort about wizards, President Jonathan Veitch and the Cooler employee who works the cash register near the entrance. These motifs and countless others have slowly invaded the minds of a select group of students who post homemade, often disturbing content. I question everything after I look at Oxy Memes for Wholesome, Not Rescinded Tweens — who am I sharing Marketplace utensils with?
The Oxy Memes for Wholesome, Not Rescinded Tweens is supplemented by its oxy_memes counterpart on Instagram, where a like-minded stream of consciousness defines the aesthetic. This Instagram meme page is far less bold: it’s more generally relatable and lacks the wizardry and terrifying allure of the Facebook group. Oxy Memes is where you go to play it safe; Oxy Memes for Wholesome, Not Rescinded Tweens is where you go to spend hours slowly melting your brain and altering your perception of the temporal world. You choose.
So you tried to find off-campus housing for next year and realized you need to pay $999 plus utilities every month in order to live in a house with a variety of bugs in the walls and no furniture. Whose fault is this? The construction of rustic wood and minimal iron fences along Eagle Rock’s residential streets is your tip-off. Thanks, Obama. If you notice an increase in planted cacti lining your sidewalk, you can expect your rent to go up approximately $169 that month.
Responsibility for the exposure of our campus’ strangest, funniest and sometimes stupidest conversations is the Instagram account, Overheard Oxy. A mimic of similar pages like Overheard LA, this page was previously moderated by Kara Alam ’17. This is the most organic way to learn about drug habits and hookup details too raunchy for Oxy Confessions. Head on over and join over 1,000 people keeping up with the hard-hitting issues plaguing the school, like the apparent Xanax shortage.
Arguably the funniest Facebook account in the Oxy Airnet interweb space is The Tiger Cooler. It’s filled with cleverly crafted and wonderfully vulgar content, like their Valentine’s Day revamp as the Tiger Heater: Den of Hardcore Adultery. If you were wondering what the Cooler would be like if we lived in a higher dimension, this is where you go for the experience. My only complaint is that nothing new has been posted since last February, when it was boldly announced that Soylent is the only product currently available for purchase. Rest in peace, sweet Tiger?
Salty at Oxy is another dormant account presumed dead, as its last post was in May. Its presence is sorrowfully missed and each time I walk past a salt shaker on the Branca Family Patio my heart aches for its traveling digital version. Will it ever return? Probably not, just like your dignity when you realize you spend more time on these pages than you do reading your 345 lines of ancient Latin poetry for class tomorrow.