“Grief looks different for everyone — your relationship with grief does not have to look like someone else’s.”

Along with coming in with an open mind, this was one of the community agreements participants read at the first event of the Real Talk: Demystifying Grief series, a conversation-based program facilitated by the Office of Equity and Justice.

Andrew Guerrero, the college’s Justice, Equity, Inclusion and Diversity (JEID) education specialist, is leading the series, which will take place four more times throughout the spring semester. Guerrero said the series is inspired by a program they attended at the University of California Irvine, where faculty, staff and students came together in meaningful and vulnerable ways. Guerrero said this semester, they decided to focus on grief.

“We just had the wildfires that impacted a lot of people’s communities,” Guerrero said. “I know so many people who have been impacted, and with everything else going on geopolitically, I think a lot of folks might not have had the opportunity to grieve or to think about what grief is open to.”

Director of Counseling Services at Emmons Wellness Center Alejandro Aguirre said he is co-facilitating the programs to provide clinical support and that part of the series is expanding and unpacking our own perceptions of grief.

“Yes, we can grieve people we lose who are no longer here, but also relationships, belongings, phases of ourselves,” Aguirre said. “Grief can be fluid, and there’s no progression around it, but being able to come together in community can allow us to feel connected when we are going through difficult times.”

Participants sit in a circle in Lower Herrick and engage in open conversation, according to Guerrero, with some questions and prompts passed out related to that week’s theme. The first event of the series was titled “Decolonizing Grief,” and upcoming topics include “Ancestral Grief,” “Vicarious Grief,” “Compassion Fatigue” and “Disenfranchised Grief.”

“I felt like ‘Decolonizing Grief’ was important to start with because it gives some foundational context of where we are as a society when we think about grief. Sometimes we think about it as being a linear thing,” Guerrero said.

Marty Valdez* (first year) is an Equity Ambassador for the Intercultural Community Center and assists with the Real Talk series this semester.

“I think it’s just a great space to unwind and think about things in our lives that we don’t often get to think about,” Valdez said via email. “The last talk was about ‘Decolonizing Grief,’ so just being able to learn about other cultures and their traditions and the history of it […] it really is just a space to learn more about yourself and others and connect too.”

Guerrero said the next session on “Ancestral Grief” will focus on generational trauma that may not be fully processed or talked about. The “Vicarious Grief” and the “Compassion Fatigue” sessions, Guerrero said, will include discussions on how people’s trauma and loss are easily consumed in the era of social media.

“We can sometimes become numb with all the information and all the grief that we’re holding,” Guerrero said. “We’re just always impacted by grief from multiple people, by multiple institutions at once, and we can become so desensitized that we don’t get to process.”

Aguirre said, as a clinician, he believes talking about certain topics in community can be healing and facilitate processing.

“I think about grief, depression, anxiety, stress; sometimes some of those things can be well served in group format because they tend to draw strength by isolating us,” Aguirre said.

Valdez said for him, it can be powerful to think about grief.

“It gives one the chance to reflect and pick up things that we often put away in ourselves because the wave of life washes over us,” Valdez said via email. “I was thinking about all the different griefs I had in my life, the last session, and feeling the emotion again, even though it’s negative, makes me feel very human again.”

Guerrero said the program can give people the tools to have hard conversations on a college campus and not to rush to label or antagonize people when something problematic is said.

“It can just mean this person didn’t have the tools or the knowledge to know that was problematic,” Guerrero said. “I think in spaces like this where people are invited to be really vulnerable, it gives people permission to mess up and it gives them permission to learn from those mistakes.”

Valdez said it is a very supportive group.

“I think it’s also another great space for [Black, Indigenous and People of Color] and [Women of Color] to come and build community in a [Predominantly White Institution],” Valdez said via email.

Both Aguirre and Guerrero said they want people to know there is no pressure to be front and center during these conversations. Guerrero said they encourage people to lean into the discomfort, and Aguirre said it can be an act of self-love to enter the space. Valdez said he encourages those who are hesitant to come to try it out.

“The worst thing that can happen is you eat pizza or make a few friends, but who knows, it can be a serious life experience for some to rethink how they think about themselves and the world in terms of one’s emotions,” Valdez said via email.

The next event in the series will focus on “Ancestral Grief” and will take place from 6:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. on Feb. 18 in Lower Herrick Chapel.

*Marty Valdez is a photographer for The Occidental.

Contact Ava LaLonde at lalonde@oxy.edu