Author:
Every Wednesday morning, when I pick up The Weekly on the way to work, I find myself instantly drawn to the back page, where the staff has seen fit to replace my beloved 4 x 4 crossword with “Oxy Overheard”.
Now, Weekly, I don’t want you to think that the reason I read this first has anything to do with its merit as a weekly item. I’ll clear that up right now: it doesn’t. Instead, like a guy with a sore in his mouth that he just can’t stop tonguing, I find I must (against my will, no doubt) read these mindless quotes every week for the odd sort of masochistic pleasure that they give me.
Take, for example, this painful little gem that I’m staring at right now: “I don’t have nipples.” Okay, first of all, to the anonymous speaker here: yes you do. Everyone does. Think before you speak.
Secondly, and this is really addressed to all the candid participants in this abortion of a newspaper feature: I go to school with you? Really? Some of the shit in here sounds like it was said by a 13 year old (“100% pure scrotum” anyone?), and not a very clever one at that.
This is kind of embarrassing considering the fact that we are now the 33rd best liberal arts school in the country. I mean, are we really this dumb? This petty? Do we really have nothing better to say than “while you were sleeping, aliens took over the planet. Our new president’s name is Hahurhahur”? Can’t we, at the very least, think of a clever name for a fictitious alien leader?
To use the mindless political rhetoric of our day, Yes We Can! And the first necessary step, it seems to me, is to do away with the absolute horror that is “Oxy Overheard”, which may just be the New Coke of The Weekly.
Let’s get our shit together, people.
P.S. Which of you (the editors) thought that a page full of inside jokes and mindless comments would be funny? To quote Ricky Ricardo, “you’ve got some ‘splaining to do!”
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