Don’t Ask if You Don’t Care

10

Author: Riley Hooper

Please discontinue the use of the following frequently used social conventions, my socially awkward, overly sensitive self can’t handle it anymore:

• “How are you?”I have major issues with this one. I know most people think they’re being friendly when they pose this question. I, however, find it very hurtful and offensive. By denoting this potentially genuine inquiry to the level of a generic greeting, it has lost all sincerity. Asked in passing, or exchanged by two complete strangers, I’ve come to the realization that nobody really cares how anyone else is. The answer is always the same. How many “oh, I’m good”s is it going to take before we realize that everyone is always good. Always. The whole “How are you?” “Good, how are you?” “Good” schpiel is a waste of time and energy. Save your breath for a genuine heart-to-heart later on down the road.

• “How was your break?” (referring to every Oxy student upon arrival back from fall/winter/summer break)

“Oh it was good, how was yours?” “Good.” Ok. Cool. We now know that everyone is always good and that every Oxy student always has a good break. Similar to the “how are you,” all too often this potentially enthralling conversation-starting question is put on par with your generic greeting-used is passing, or asked just because. I’m all for hearing about caterpillar hunting in Costa Rica or drunken shenanigans in Canada on New Year’s-I may even have a few tales to tell myself-but don’t ask unless you’re ready for story time.

• “What’s up?”I’ve never been sure on this one. I’ve been grappling with it for years and have only recently come to the conclusion that when people ask “what’s up?” they’re not actually asking “what is going on?”-or even asking a question at all. I’ve discovered that, in most cases, the “what’s up” is used simply as a greeting such as “hello!” “hi!” or “hey!” After much deliberation, I’ve resolved to answering with a simple “hey”-a big step up from my awkward years of trying to quickly describe what was going on, or using one of those really dumb answers like “the sky . . . ” or (my own personal creation) “the direction that is neither down, nor left, nor right.” I’ve found that most people choose to respond with another “what’s up?” This poses a big problem for me. There’s something about answering a question with a question and leaving both questions unanswered that makes me very uncomfortable. I need closure.

• “What’s good?”I don’t know where to begin here . . . I really don’t get it. I was asked this question once in the Cooler, to which I replied, “Well, the bagels here are quite delicious.” I understand the general meaning of the term to be something along the lines of “what’s up,” but every time I’ve been asked this question, I become paralyzed, frantically searching for an answer. Due to my phobia of unanswered questions, I usually opt to answer by telling my inquirer something that is “good.” Awkwardness ensues…

• “Bless you.” (As in what is often said after someone sneezes)I just don’t get what blessing has to do with sneezing. Now that we know our hearts don’t stop, or our souls don’t escape every time we have an allergic reaction, I think we should save blessing others for church services. Personally, I don’t see what’s bless-worthy about shooting millions of microbial germs out of one’s nose.

Riley Hooper is a sophomore Religious Studies major. She can be reached at rhooper@oxy.edu.

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