Oxy Doorholding Culture: Choose Your Own Adventure!

October 17, 2017

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Door-Holding Culture_HUMOR_Ivy Dehnam-Conroy1-sized

You’re at the Marketplace, wading your way through the crowds. After a long, hard day of ignoring your approaching midterms, you’re starving, so you get a jumbo soda, a giant plate of spaghetti from the pasta bar and an equally giant salad (because, you know, you care about your health). You’re having trouble holding all this food, so you decide you should grab a tray. But as you walk towards the stack of trays, you see THEM: that person you matched with on Tinder last weekend and promptly ghosted. You don’t want to have to talk to them, but they’re standing right in front of the stack! What do you do?

A)Steel yourself. Try to forget the GIF of a winking puppy they sent you and get a tray anyway. You’re wearing your favorite shirt, and all this spaghetti sauce is making you nervous.

B) Screw the tray! You’ve gotta escape before they see you!

A)IF YOU CHOSE A: You soldier through, give your Tinder match an uncomfortable nod (they glare back at you — who do you think you are, ignoring a puppy GIF?), and put your food on the tray. Feeling awkward but secure, you pay for your food and head for the door, only to find it closed. What do you do?

C) Stand there, look helpless and wait for someone else to come by and open it.

D) Hold your tray tightly and try to nudge the door open with your hip, your foot, your face and/or any other available body parts.

IF YOU CHOSE C: You stand by the door, clutching your food and putting on your most charming grimace. To add to your pathetic performance, you nudge the door lightly with your foot. Spaghetti has chopped onions in it, right? You take a big whiff of yours in hopes that it might help you squeeze out a couple tears. Eventually, someone takes pity on you and comes to open the door. You slip through, muttering “Thanks,” and scurry towards the patio. Behind you, you hear somebody else slip through. “Thanks.” The crowd keeps coming. Where were all these people three minutes ago when you were standing there staining your shoes with soda? From your seat on the patio, you lock eyes with the person holding the door. They seem … resigned. Broken, even. Their stare is empty, a polite half-smile plastered permanently onto their face. Thanks to the bravery of another, you’ve made it through this time. Legend has it that they’re still there holding the door to this day, but at least your shirt has remained sauce-free. Nice work out there. (CLICK ANYWHERE ON TEXT TO START AGAIN)

IF YOU CHOSE D: Shuffling awkwardly, you spin around and manage to shove the door open with your hip. You breathe a sigh of relief — you’ve almost made it to the patio! Just as you’re about to let the door close, another student walks up holding a bowl of cereal. (It’s 6 p.m., but to each their own, you guess.) You press your back against the door, and they give you a grateful glance as they walk through. Before you can escape, three more students slip through the door. Your mouth waters as you eye their bowls of pasta. You can’t wait to sit down and have a bite of yours. Then comes another group. Then another. Your arms are starting to strain from the weight of your meal, but it would be rude to just shut the door on these people, right? You politely nod them through. Twenty minutes later, the stream of people coming through the doorway shows no sign of slowing. Your spaghetti has grown cold and your arms ache. You don’t even care about your food anymore — you just wish you could sit down. The idea of abandoning your position is so tempting. What do you do?

F) Stay where you are. You know it’s hard work, but the people need you.

G) Let go of the door and get out of here.

IF YOU CHOSE F: You’re literally still holding the door open. Thank you for your sacrifice, and I’m sorry that you can’t feel your arms anymore. (TRY AGAIN)

F YOU CHOSE G: With a frustrated scream, you hurl your food onto the ground and take off across the patio. Behind you, people stare in disbelief, and the unlucky girl caught in the doorway yelps as the door shuts on her foot. As they watch you sprint into the distance, their astonishment quickly turns to rage. No one shuts the door on other people at Occidental College. No. One. Spurred on by adrenaline, you decide it’s safest to head for Mount Fiji, where you can hide in the brush. You can hear the sounds of an angry mob forming behind you, waving their forks and plastic straws and calling for revenge, but all you feel is relief. In your new home, you’ll be safe. In your new home, there are no doors. (TRY AGAIN)

IF YOU CHOSE B: Fumbling with your huge stack of plates, you make your way through the checkout line and power-walk toward the door. Your soda is tucked precariously under your arm and a bit of it has spilled onto your shoe, but all you have to do is make it to the patio and you’ll be safe. When you arrive at the door, though, you find it closed. As you stare at it in disbelief, another drop of soda splatters onto your shoe. Time is running out! What do you do?

C) Stand there, look helpless and wait for someone else to come by and open it.

E) You may not have been brave enough to get a tray, but damn it, you’ve made it this far! You can handle a door. You hold your food as tightly as you can, take a deep breath and try to push it open.

A)IF YOU CHOSE G: With a frustrated scream, you hurl your food onto the ground and take off across the patio. Behind you, people stare in disbelief, and the unlucky girl caught in the doorway yelps as the door shuts on her foot. As they watch you sprint into the distance, their astonishment quickly turns to rage. No one shuts the door on other people at Occidental College. No. One. Spurred on by adrenaline, you decide it’s safest to head for Mount Fiji, where you can hide in the brush. You can hear the sounds of an angry mob forming behind you, waving their forks and plastic straws and calling for revenge, but all you feel is relief. In your new home, you’ll be safe. In your new home, there are no doors.

Designed by Young Jae Kim

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